That Human thing

 That Human thing

The sun glows brightly when I wake up. I'm at school before I can even realize it. Day in day out this is me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm dead, I wonder if I was dead how could i even tell. My Name is Brenden I'm twenty three I go to school at HCC. Everyday is more or less the same for me. I spend a lot of time by myself so my mind tends to wonder from time to time. I've begun to feel like everything down to my social experiences are the same like my life is some scratched turn table. This beat, the music of my life is driving me...batty. School is endless, I've been taking classes since I can remember. Work, money, my friends, my girl, no one can make this any better.

In math class I wonder what more is left for me. growing old, career, kids, am I not satisfied? If not does that make me selfish? Who am I too want more then that, I'm no one special. my grades are decent. I'm not some weirdo I got nothing...

Nothing to be disappointed with. Everyday is the same but I'm making progress. With each day I get older but it's a good thing, With each day I am more valued by society. It's a good thing, career, wife, kids, career, wife, kids, career, wife, kids,career, wife, kids, Career, Wife, Kids! My head... it starts to spin. I start to sweat uncontrollably I feel trapped. My teacher talks but I can't hear him, or rather he's too loud I've been hearing him my entire life. The walls melt the faces around me are shapeless; I feel bad why I ask why is this happening to me. my head aches it feels as though I have fallen from a highway going a thousand miles an hour in slow motion. I know not what to do with my pain. I grab my pen, I have half a mind, quarter of my mind, I have a mind to drive this pen into my temple. I could free my self from this trap that I find myself in, this trap that I was born into. A cure for the monotony in my life I could end it all. With the pen in hand I put my head onto the cold hard table that I've become so acquainted with. The cool wood would be the last favorable thing in this world for me. I... was fine with this, I raised the pen high over my head and I look around. Me being in the back of the classroom no one would even notice that last few seconds I would be on this earth. This was a sign no one could free me from this system. cause no one knew they were trapped by it. I took my pen and drove it into my skull.

Or at least I would have if I didn't feel a hand reach out to me. "Hey" I looked up slowly only to be blinded by the florescent lighting of the classroom. I shield my eyes as though I was staring into the sun. the girl next to me staring. "Don't be an idiot"  she says. I can only stare at her, did she some how know? Surely she didn't think me serious. "ahh" I mumble as the class is dismissed; she gets up and she walks away. She couldn't have thought I was serious I think to my self. Was I serious? The walls were perfectly still the pain gone I sit in the class room alone.

I walk home, everyday. It's my life ya know I should get a car, I should get a car... I should I think to my self. I bet I could save up for one. I should cross the street right... now. Did that guy strike me a mean look? Who was that girl. She had no right to call me an idiot. Well I was acting kinda silly. Boy she was pretty with her bobbed hair her freckles and a mouth that... that called me an idiot. on second thought she wasn't so pretty... she was this... and she was that and... I thought about her all the way home.

No messages on facebook...the internet is boring sometimes... most of the time. I start to wonder when the lights in my room had been turned off... I start to wonder when I preferred it this way. I haven't said anything to my mom today, or this week that not true yesterday I asked her when dinner would be ready, I think about how were strangers in the same house, about how I'm twenty three and still living with her.Well the economy is tough we both work. It's just easier for us both this way. Cause... cause were comfortable strangers. Speaking of strangers what about that girl. shes never said anything in school to me before. She was really nice to me I think, she was so very nice. I wonder if my girl would be jealous of me thinking so much about this girl... It's late I wonder if I'll see her again tomorrow I watch a dirty movie more bed. I try to pretend that maybe she and I. But I can't, the girls in these movies are weird I can never tell if there enjoying them self's or not. eight hours later and I'm still not asleep. All I can think of is her, I smile a smile that tells me... I'm still alive.

I walk to school early. the sky's a misty blue that the dawn brings before the sun is seen. A sky like rain but not that of rain, that of optimism. You can see the sleep in my eyes, today is full of promise. Shes practically promised me that. I sit at school long before classes start. I tap my feet, I do this as though there is something to tap my feet too as though I were dancing. I sway back and forth slowly all the while telling my self today is my day and I knew today was my day. I couldn't tell you how or why but I knew. I knew today I would see her again I knew that she saved my life I knew that she knew that she saved my life. I knew that she cared for me. Not like my friends not like my girl not like my mom or my dead beat dad this was different I would be dead if it weren't for this girl. I knew she was special I thought she even might be some type of angel I filled my head with fantastic tales of her affection for me I made my self feel loved I made myself feel special.

During math class she was no where to be found... I thought, I was going to do something crazy but I didn't. No I waited till class was over but she never showed. Something died within me. It was a feeling I didn't harbor for very long but it hurt like hell when in left. Like a child that walks into a room to find his mother butchered I went to the bathroom and I cried as silently as I could. I cried because I was once again trapped. I cried because I'm a fool because I am selfish. I cried because I caught myself wanting more. And it hurt, it hurt to know now that I couldn't settle that I couldn't settle but to know that I would have too. because I'm not meant for more then this. I mean who am I.

Once my little break down was over I walked the school halls for a long time. I didn't attend any more classes. I felt dead but this time I knew it. I walked outside behind the school and looked up at the sky. misty blue like dawn, or maybe like rain I was no longer sure. I wondered now, what was I really going to do with that pen. As I looked down there she was... my heart stopped. "Hey" she said. I must of have been hit by lighting just then because I wanted to leap forward yet held perfectly still. I shook and I twitched my heart was now so loud. "I Love you".

Against all the rules, all social norms against all the things I could have said. I love you I said it. This was it, I thought this is the question that will prove it. Whether shes real or fake whether I'm crazy or not whether I'm alive or not. I stand there staring at her captivated yet petrified. at that moment she was so beautiful so horrifying so mysterious so dangerous everything I wanted everything I should avoid she was it and her next words would make or break me. As it seems I have pushed myself to a cliff I now wait to see if I have to jump. She stares back at me, eyes partial covered by her bobbed hair cut and she says "OK" I take a breath. I ease up I was prepared for so many things. But I wasn't prepared for confusion.

"Ok" I say as quietly as I can. "Ok" she says "but I don't even know your name" It's Brenden I say hardly making any eye contact at all. "I'm Eleven" She says. I look up at her even more confused now what does she mean by shes eleven? Shes smiling at me "HEY"! I hear a voice that breaks my train of thought. Then BOOM I crash to the ground. As I look up I see a giant with angry eyes furious as though I had wronged him in some way. "Did you say you love her" He says angrily "Did you say you love my girl?" It starts to rain.

I...I am speechless I am empty, but..but I'm also full I can't describe it. the Giant raises his foot and begins to stomp on me. He curses and shouts he is relentless in his strikes. The girls stands now at my feet her eyes perfectly covered shes smiles at me In a way that fills me with nothing but uncertainty. I make little attempt to guard myself my body acts on it's own to protect it's self. Showing me a pure and true separation of mind and body. I don't know many thing right now all I know for sure is that I am truly here and that this is real. this is real and this is pain. He beats me for a time until he tires angry I think that he has gotten no reaction from me.
he waves his hands angrily glaring and pointing at me. He leaves, now in the pouring rain it's just me and her.

I make no attempt now to get close to her. In so many ways I am terrified of her, shes smiles and leans into me "Brenden" she says I look to her she is now right over me my eyes locked with hers "Wanna do that Human thing?"

And we did through and through we did and when it comes down to it there are no words to describe it. It's just kind of a...Boom.